Milwaukee is A Wonderland ( But Not John Mayer’s)

Okay. This self titled city girl is about to admit something that might ruin her reputation that doesn’t even exist. Pause, wait for it.

I heart the Midwest. ❤

If I were to take a photo now describing my new feelings for the Midwest, I would throw up a Taylor Swift gang sign and make a heart with my hands, where you could see me slightly smiling through the heart. I love the Midwest like all the tween’s around the world love The Biebs. I just can’t get enough, was crying when I left, want to go back already and find the Midwest very charming, but not all that intelligent. I mean, did Bieber even go to school? People in the city are just smarter. I mean I think like TCAP, CSAP, ACT, PSAT and all those tests prove that anyways. And we all know how accurate and reflective of real intelligence those are. I mean your goal on the ACT is to get a 36. I guess they don’t want you to shoot for the moon with one hundred. They just want you to climb a little hill. Solid.

In honor of my new love for this large region in America, where people are way to friendly and concerned with saving money and being thrifty, I have decided to tell five more stories that will demonstrate that this is in fact is true love. I mean it’s really a kindergarten crush at this point. I think we are in love because the Midwest loaned me a crayon. However in my case, it’s an elephant and not a crayon (see story below. It’s riveting). And I also semi-stole that elephant. I also just look forward to getting to know each other more and just watching our love blossom like the flower it is. I am positive that the Midwest does not reciprocate any of these feelings back and just wants my tourist, city money. City money is more valuable after all.

So with a drum roll inside your head…….the list begin.

1). I know I have mentioned it before, but Cermak’s is a WONDERLAND. Milwaukee really is a super diverse (but unfortunately very segregated) city, which is great because it means there are amazing places to shop that aren’t your typical King Stupids (King Soopers) or Safelessway (Safeway) groceries. You could spend literally five years trying something different each day and you still would not have explored all the wonderful things in that story. Not only is the produce absolutely incredible and fresh (doesn’t have to be organic if it’s local and raised right…kinda like a kid), but there is a massive plethora and it has so much variety and options. I even found Milo there, which is a Nestle drink that I used to consume in Malaysia like it was my job. I mean it was. It’s like chocolate milk, only better. Anyways, if you are ever in the Midwest, you have to go there! It’s fabulous! And it has a great deli that even makes homemade ricotta which I used to make melopita (see story 3). On a side note, I decided to do the actual grocery store shopping dance to which my cousin’s boyfriend was mortified and immediately told me to “stop it.” He was my only ride home, so I obeyed. Had I been the driver….

2). I taught my slightly older, but not wiser cousin how to make individual, triangle, Greek Spanikopita. Always the little grasshopper teaches the sensei. The sensei just doesn’t know it. I think Kung Foo Panda is based off of this idea. This is reality. Anyways, I was teaching her to make this simple, but super delicious and healthy treat (could be appetizer, snack or meal) and like any normal person, pretended that I was on the cooking/food channel and had a show-only it wasn’t very appropriate or viewer friendly.

“And while your folding these triangles and shaping the phyllo dough, you just want to lightly caress them, but in a non-sexual way because I think that is a felony in the Midwest.” 

She loved it. I loved it. The Spanikopita loved it. Talking to your food makes it taste better. True story! And because we were in the privacy of our own home, Uncle Sam couldn’t do nothing about it. Constitutional rights. I am sure this is what James Madison was thinking about when he thought of privacy and personal human rights.

3). Sorry for the second cooking story in advance, but it is a good one. My cousins boyfriend/beau…let’s call him big Geazy from now on. He is about as white as wonder bread, so it really is fitting. Anyway, big Geazy and I were in the kitchen and I was teaching him how to make melopita, which is an amazing and super healthy and easy dessert. It only has six ingredients which are: ricotta, eggs, cinnamon, lemon juice, flour (only 2 Tbl.) and honey (agave works too). I was teaching big Geazy (the b is lowercase on purpose for irony) like a cooking show once again, preparing the ingredients ahead of time so it’s like on TV where it look’s like you basically have to do nothing because they are just dumping little bowls in a large bowl and stirring(when in reality it takes like 3 hours and you need like a watermelon carver tool that they don’t sell at Bed, Bath and Beyond). But, the point of the story is that you have to butter the pan to prepare it and I told big Geazy to “lightly fondle the butter and spread it around the pan a la Paula Dean.” He thought this was the funniest thing in the world. He also might have been one or two (or six) Moscow Mules in at this point though. He probably got like copper poisoning and was just twitching laughing. Real possibility. We were in the Midwest after all.

4). There is a beautiful area like forty minutes outside of Milwaukee called Palmyra which reminds me of my Grandma’s old house because of the kitsch small town, lake and just relaxed and small community vibe of the area. It is a great hiking area, and there is a fabulous trail loop through really beautiful forest with a sandy bottom that bikers and hikers really love. It’s kinda a hidden gem. But, it is also mosquito and frog hatching season. So we were walking and running through that seven mile trail like it was our job, or we were just afraid of all the bugs and ran out of repellent. Mosquitoes are also a great excuse to hit and slap your family members and get out pent up anger from that one Christmas they bought you a hideous sweater and you had to smile and write them a thank-you note. “Sorry, I thought there was a mosquito on your face. I am saving you from West Nile virus.” I mean, what are they going to say to that? Exactly. So while we were trooping through the forest there were mosquitoes stalking us as well as baby frogs who were literally everywhere. My cousin and I made a real effort to avoid stepping on them while her boyfriend just said “babe, circle of life.” Cue that song from the Lion King (again). They make quite the pair.

5). While I was suffering, I mean enjoying Milwaukee, there was a festival called Bastille Days going on which was great. I am pretty sure that the festival had nothing to do with France, but that the Milwaukee tourism board wanted more money and an excuse to party-which is totally okay and an acceptable reason. Cash money. But, to be fair there was a miniature Eiffel Tower. Besides that, there was nothing French about that festival. It was like a massive outdoor market with tons of local artisans, vendors, beer tents and every other person holding a weird animal (probably brought in illegally) or half naked doing a strange human contortion for money. I enjoyed it. Maybe not the two acrobats who were half naked and twisting themselves on a pole, but the fluffy dogs and lizards were fabulous. I ended up buying a cool scarf from Thailand and my cousin bought a really cool and unusual flower vase. It then started to pour rain (I think God was crying because he realized I only had one day left) so we ran back to the car under our umbrellas. My umbrella literally flipped upside down and was no use. Thanks cousin. The rain also allowed me to get a two dollar discount on my scarf. “It’s raining, I have to go home and play with my cousin’s cat, please, two dollars off??” It worked. Thank you lord. Two dollars saved is two dollars to spend on something else.

So I hope you now understand what a true WONDERLAND the Midwest is. Only not John Mayer’s, because I am pretty sure that song was referring to like Jessica Simpson or Jennifer Love-Hewitt and they ain’t got nuttin on the Midwest. I don’t even think Mayer won a Grammy for it. Bummer. The Midwest would have if it qualified.